Hi friends! I’m back with another exciting interview that I can’t wait to share! Today, we’re going to hear from Tiffany on why she’s not interested in having children. I like Tiffany because she’s not afraid to say what she feels and doesn’t spend time comparing her life to anyone else. We all can learn from that, right? Please enjoy and as always, be respectful with your comments (not really an issue here, I have the best readers!!)
How long have you been married?
New Years Day will be 3 years.
How did you meet your husband?
We met when I was visiting family over Christmas break. He was my cousin’s best friend, and he just so happened to be there when we visited. I was 11, he was 14. I lived in AL, he lived in FL. We grew up separately, dated other people, but remained long-distance friends for many years. We started dating shortly after I moved to Florida at 19.
When did you know you wanted to marry him?
Oh god, 11? All those years I just thought he’d always be the “what if,” the one who got away, meanwhile I was doodling his name on my middle school notebooks. He came to visit me about a month after I moved to Florida- we hadn’t seen each other in 4 years, and hadn’t spoken in 1.5 years- but the reunion was like getting hit by a lightning bolt. The next day I called my best friend and told her I was going to marry him.
When you two discussed your future, what details did that include?
We didn’t, really, oddly. We didn’t have time! We moved in together a month and a half after we reunited. We knew we wanted to get married, we thought we might possibly want children, we’d have pets, and some day we’d buy a house and travel the world.
How long after getting married did people start asking you about when you were going to have children?
Ha! Those questions started when we got engaged, if not before. I guess with our long history, people thought we’d starting churning babies out ASAP.
Do you plan on having children? Why or why not?
No, we do not. I have so many reasons-there are so many kids without homes already, worldwide overpopulation, bringing a child into the scary world we live in, not wanting to go through pregnancy/birth, no desire to be a mother in general, not wanting to change my lifestyle- I really could write an essay.
But it all comes down to this: I have one life. I believe it should be lived on my own terms. So many people have children because, well, it’s what you do. It’s a check mark. Get engaged, check. Get married, check. Buy a house, check. Have babies, check. They don’t question it. I’m not the type of person to give into an instinct simply because it is. Raising a child is not something I have, or have ever had, any desire to do. I want my one wonderful life to be about me- it’s mine. I don’t want to give it away. And I feel complete. Maybe if I felt some sense of emptiness or longing, I’d want to fill it with a baby, but I don’t. I love my life just how it is. Fortunately my husband feels the same way.
What do people say when you tell them that?
“Oh, you’re young. You’ll change your mind.” As if there’s only one way to live life. Or my favorite “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” That sickens me. Not to mention, it’s borderline delusional. Why do you think so many old people are in nursing homes? Because those trusty children of theirs didn’t want to take care of them in their old age. Give me a break. Having a child doesn’t guarantee you a lifetime caregiver.
Do you think society places pressure on young marrieds to have children? If so, why?
Of course! Our society is baby obsessed. I cannot tell you why. The freshness of youth? A fondness for new beginnings? A general disappointment in their own lives and an opportunity to start fresh with this new one? I have no idea.
Have you ever felt a “biological clock” ticking?
Oh, absolutely. Put a puppy in front of me and I am just a baby-talking ball of mush. Put a baby in front of me and… get it away.
Do people assume your age is related to your opinions on having children and how old are you (if you feel comfortable sharing)?
Most definitely. I’ve been hearing the “you’re young” rebuttal since I got engaged at 22. It’s 4 years later, I’ve gotten to know myself more and, if anything, I find myself even less interested in having children now than I was at 22. I estimate the questions will stop when I hit menopause.
What does the concept of family mean to you?
Family, to me, consists of the people who you choose to have in your life. People who make you happy, who are trust-worthy and loyal and make you feel like your best self. Sharing DNA with someone means little to nothing to me, if we’re being honest. I’ve written off quite a few of my extended family members because they continually bring me down. You don’t get a free pass to treat someone poorly just because you’re related. Blood or no, I only want people in my life who are sources of light.
Are you open to changing your mind someday?
I am and I’m not. I’m young, but I know myself very well. Even as a child motherhood was not appealing to me- I stuck to Barbie’s, not baby dolls. When I was a teenager and, briefly, a Christian, I actually prayed to God to take away my ability to have children and give it to someone else. Shocking, I know, but that tells you how strongly I’ve always felt about it. On the other hand, I said in the beginning that my only concern is to live my life on my own terms, so I truly feel that saying “never” to anything is self-limiting.
Why is your marriage like everyone else’s?
We go through the same ups and downs as other couples. We argue, we make up. In the end we just want what everyone else wants: a happy, fulfilling life with the person you love.
Why is not?
See: this entire interview. It’s pretty rare to find a couple that doesn’t want children.
Anything else you’d like people to know?
Two things. First, our home isn’t devoid of love because it is devoid of children. We have currently have 5 adopted children, 3 dogs and 2 cats, that get all of our love. They’re our kids and we’d go to the ends of the earth for them, just like people would for their less furry children. We’ve drained bank accounts for their vet bills ($3k for a broken leg holy cow!), and we’ve cried real, heartbroken tears over a kitten we fought like hell for and ultimately had to put to sleep. Hell, I even got a tattoo for said cat.
Second, we don’t hate kids. Every one thinks that if you don’t want children, you must hate them. That’s not the case. I can’t say that I love kids, but I certainly don’t hate them. They’re just little people. I don’t particularly find anything interesting or remarkable about them other than the fact that they’re small. What can I say? We’re just not interested!
Thank you Tiffany!! While I’m in the camp of “I definitely want children!” I find her viewpoints and convictions to be smart and strong. And I totally laughed when she said the “When will you have children?” questions should stop right around menopause. Ultimately we all want to be happy and live a fulfilled life, but no two lives are going to look exactly the same. And to me, that is beautiful.
And if you missed my last interview on open marriage, check it out HERE! Thanks for reading!