This past Friday evening was my first night away from The Wee One. The Scottish and I were attending his work holiday party and we decided early on to book a hotel room so we could make the most out of our child-free evening. We were gone from about 5 PM to 11 AM the next day, not even a full 24 hours.
But it was still painful. It might seem silly to some people, but believe me when I say it’s a very nerve-wracking thing the first time you leave your child for a long period of time. I watched some of my new mama friends struggle with going back to work a few months ago. I never thought it looked easy. I admired their strength and courage to make it all work. Some moms can leave their kiddo for a long weekend when they are 6 weeks old, and some can’t fathom it until after their child is a year. Everyone is different. My magical mark of almost six months seemed like the perfect time. As of now, I don’t need more than a couple hours away or a well-timed nap to recharge myself when it comes to The Wee One, but I felt strongly that it was time to push past my comfort zone and take the plunge to be away for a whole night. I knew the longer I waited the harder it would be.
The worst moment was stepping outside, getting in the car, buckling my seat belt, and actually leaving. I wanted a million more hugs and kisses for the road. The maternal ache I felt to be near The Wee One was so intense it honestly made me feel crazy! I was scared to be apart from him. Rationally, I knew he would be OK, more than OK because he had a wonderful time with my parents. I knew he would be spoiled and well taken care of; I had left him with detailed instructions, plenty of breast milk, and two loving grandparents.
As a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom) I spend the majority of my time with The Wee One. He’s my life and my job. He’s my favorite person and my responsibility. As much as a night away with my husband sounded appealing, I was dreading being away from my little guy. I had a cathartic meltdown two days prior to the party. Isn’t the anticipation always worse than the actual doing of something?
After getting on the road, there were tears shed in the car as I fixated on my husband’s slow and deliberate driving skills. I complained about how I would never be able to have a good time and how we never should have left our son in the first place. Yet, once we arrived, I was swept up into the moment and able to ignore (not forget) all the momotions (mom emotions, I just made up a word!) I was feeling. I avoided thinking about The Wee One except for a quick phone call to see how bedtime had gone.
I enjoyed being dressed up, hanging out with friends, and flirting with my husband. I drank MORE THAN ONE alcoholic beverage and even tried bacon ice cream. It was disgusting but that’s OK, we were having fun.
I want to say I had an amazing night of uninterrupted sleep but I didn’t. We went to bed late, (well late for us), and I still woke up in the middle of the night to pee, and again at 6 AM feeling very “full” of milk. I went back to sleep until 8ish, at which time I got up to pump. Being away for one night doesn’t mean you get to fully stop all mom type duties!
When we arrived home, The Wee One gave me a big smile but went back to playing with his toys. Umm, that’s it??? I guess I had imagined him attempting to jump into my arms, crying out in glee that mommy was home, and snuggling close. Instead, he was all, “What’s up Mom?” It was bizarre too, because for the first time in his little life, I was the one who didn’t know his schedule. I hadn’t been there for the last feed, the last nap, the last sleep, or the last poopy diaper.
Of course none of that mattered. And I got my snuggles in throughout the rest of the day.
I think The Scottish and I will spend another evening away when our anniversary rolls around in early March. Until then, you can find me squeezing and smushing this guy with hugs and kisses.
Seriously, would you be able to leave this face?!?!? 🙂