My apologies for going MIA at the end of last week, that might continue to happen every so often in the next few weeks as I near my due date. Sure, I’m feeling overwhelmed and tired but that I can normally push through. However, much like my last pregnancy, in approaching month 8 I have become anxiety-ridden. I’m a worrier by nature but being extra hormonal, swollen, and emotional, it’s gotten worse recently.
I am no stranger to anxiety over things like money, life changes, and travel, but recently I’ve been going to bed every night worried that something bad is going to happen. Part of it is my new fixation on avoiding the flu bug that is going around. I swear it’s affecting every person I know and since my little family got sick before Christmas and I don’t want to be sick again while preggo, it’s constantly on my mind.
And I’m still not over the fact that The Wee One threw up in his bed and we didn’t notice until the morning. I know, I know, it happens to every parent. It’s a rite of passage and The Mother said it happened to her with me too, but I feel so guilty and now I freak out every time he cries in the middle of the night (it’s infrequent but it happens). I have lost my ability to tell the difference between real pain/distress tears and I just want mommy and daddy tears.
I’m sure part of it is my body preparing for a newborn’s cries because he will in fact NEED me when he cries in the middle of the night. But I seem to have forgotten that toddlers know how to manipulate. In my anxiety-ridden state I’ve turned to mush and I want to rush to The Wee One at every squeak or squawk. Luckily, The Scottish does not let me do that!
This night-time anxiety is also due to my very real memories of nursing a newborn every two hours throughout the night for those first few weeks or months. I mean, its tiny increments of sleep that never feel restorative but this time we have a toddler who will be up and ready for a normal day so they’ll be no sleeping when the baby sleeps. The fear is real.
My wonderful husband is the reason I’ve not gone off the deep end. He helps me stay calm and reminds that we can handle anything and that the night-time is simply for resting. And I know he’s right but what can I say, I LOVE mornings. There is lots of potential in the light of day. I even take naps with the lights on… not a fan of darkness over here.
I feel extra vulnerable sharing all this, but if you’ve read DH for any amount of time you know I’m an emotionally charged human being and this is par for the course.
I’m also fixating on giving birth for a second time. It’s different from the first time because it’s more focused and specific. I know how painful contractions are, and I fully understand how difficult pushing is on your body. Additionally, I keep hearing how much faster the second birth is and I’m thinking my first birth was really long, but that doesn’t seem to matter much, the second time goes really fast. BUT HOW FAST?? So much unknown this time as well. The sooner I accept that the better. #workingonit
It doesn’t help that I can’t sleep more than 1.5 hours at a time without getting up to use the bathroom and that the last few weeks have been a bit chaotic for us. The nursery is slowly getting done but somehow our to-do list keeps growing. Go figure.
Did I mention we plan on getting a mini-van before baby brother is born? Well, that’s in the works but a few things need to happen first (ahem, tax refund). The amount of stuff we’re trying to cram into February is getting insane, but hey, we bought our last car weeks before our wedding. It’s how we roll.
The good news is once I hit the 9th month or 36 weeks, I’ll be SUPER ready to have the baby no matter what and my anxiety will turn into, “I can’t be pregnant forever, get this baby out of me! I want to be able to tie my shoes, sleep for longer periods of time, and reach the sink!” So there’s that to look forward.
Plus, I’m SO ready to meet and snuggle my son. It’s all 100% worth it.
Thanks for listening to this venting session. Hope you all have a great week!
PS The Wee One is officially 18 months old!! A long overdue update on my adorable little guy is coming soon!