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Hi friends, how is everyone doing?  We had a wonderful time with The Scottish’s parents the past few weeks and I will share more when I do a photo-filled blog post of their visit. I also need to write The Wee Two’s three month update.  Can you believe it’s already the middle of June!?!

But first I have some musings to sort through.

Being a parent is hard. OK, duh, right?  A lot of it is frustrating or terrible (up at night with a baby, toddler tantrums) but most of it is sheer bliss.  And that makes life really confusing.  I haven’t even been a mother for two full years but I already feel different.  Different in a good way.  It would be impossible to go back to who I was before I met my sons.  And I wouldn’t want to.

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I’ve never been so happy but I’ve also never been so anxious and filled with guilt in all my life.  Parenting is basically trying to keep everyone from crying while second-guessing even the most basic decisions.

And the culture around parenting just gets crazier and crazier.  It’s a bizarre time to bring kids into the world because with social media and smart phones everything we do is out there for others to see… and to judge.  No one is safe and there is always someone who will do the exact opposite of what you do.

There are parenting wars that cover everything from breastfeeding to sunscreen to car seats to staying at home/working moms to attachment parenting to vaccinations, and the list goes on.  It’s sort of like joining a club where literally every single person thinks they are the group leader.  I read a lot of the crap out there but I don’t engage in it.  I find it scary how much time people will spend fighting with strangers on the internet.

It doesn’t help that the world is a nasty place right now and it makes me afraid for my children’s futures.  I usually don’t get into politics and current events on DH but I can’t even handle that this joke of a candidate actually exists in a presidential election even if I would never vote for that party anyway.  It makes me rage that race and LBGTQ discrimination are still SO prevalent these days (how are these awful, nightmare shootings still happening?) and the fact that this terrible excuse for a man got away with the lightest sentence ever after what he did makes me all kinds of angry.

I promise to the world I will NOT be raising two more entitled white males but rather two respectful, compassionate, open-minded, unique, and intelligent individuals that will treat all people with kindness.

Thank goodness there are folks out there that make parenting bearable and crack me up with their Twitter posts and FB memes.  The only way to get through some days is to laugh.  I’d post something but I’m too tired to look through the thousands that exist and pick just one, haha.

This guy makes me laugh a lot too.  Thank goodness for him.

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I get the feeling I’m currently experiencing the best years of my life and yet I’m too exhausted and worried to truly enjoy them.  If parenting only gets harder and THESE are the carefree days then I better start indulging in them.

Do you ever feel that way?  Or is every year your best year?  Do you look back fondly on one time period or another?

Hahahaha…. ha… ha.

Excuse me while I laugh to myself about how the best years of my life are the years where I will look the worst.  Being pregnant and a mother has definitely changed my physical appearance.  I’m softer and wider and sometimes I pee when I giggle or sneeze.  I’m usually covered in spit up or dirt.  My shirts are either too tight or too baggy and I rarely blow dry my hair or accessorize my outfits.

I know my kids will get more independent and I will be able to do more for myself SOMEDAY but frankly, I’ve never put so little effort into my appearance as I have as a mother.  I put myself last on the list (OK, so The Scottish is really last on the list but that’s because he didn’t try very hard before we had children, case in point, I still have to remind him to shave) and most of the time it’s fine with me because I’m fueled by my love for these tiny humans.

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There has to be balance though.  Some things aren’t as important to me as they were before but I still need to feel good about myself.

So where do I start?  I start with some Stephanie alone time.  I start walking more often and doing core exercises at night before bed.  I start eating less desserts and more fruit and veg.  But I NEVER give up my iced vanilla lattes!  Some days the promise of a sweet latte is the only thing that gets me out of bed!  Sure, I have baby weight to lose but it’s tough when I’m starving all the time from nursing and when I have to shovel food into my face as fast as possible because sometimes I only get 30 seconds for lunch before someone needs me again.

I want to buy nicer quality clothes because every t-shirt I own I spent less than 10 dollars on at Target or Old Navy.  I want to blog and write more often even if it means I can’t be as available to my kids every second of the day.  I want to work on a few house projects because there is always something to be done.  I want to see live theatre and find reasons to get dressed up.  I want to hang out with my friends more often and laugh with other adults.  I want to go see a really long movie at the cinema and eat popcorn.

But my baby is only three months old!  I can’t expect too much change in one summer.

What a handsome baby he is too.

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My long-term goals include dipping my toes back into the water of my old interests.  I want to spend time working on my novel or writing a children’s book.  I want to join a new church community.  And eventually I want to get back into the acting world, because man, I miss it.

The thing is all of my interests take time and energy and I’m needed CONSTANTLY.  I’m writing this blog post on a Saturday morning at Starbucks in the two hour break I have in between nursing sessions.  And I’m editing this blog post on a Sunday afternoon over the course of four hours because I kid you not I’ve been interrupted about ten times so far.

My priorities are different and that’s OK because most of all I just want to be with my kids.  It’s true.  I’m obsessed with them.  And this little Starbucks moment is enough to recharge me for another week.  Our little family makes me so happy.  And come to think of it, I do spend moments indulging in my sweet babies.  (And of course my sweet iced lattes.)

It feels like The Wee Two has been with our family from the very beginning, we just didn’t get to meet him until three months ago.  I wish I could fully express how lovely it is when The Wee One says “Hi Wee Two!” and gives him a kiss in the mornings.  My heart grows a little bit every time.  I’m not sure if our family is 100% complete, but I know in my gut it feels more whole than it did before.  I wish that feeling for everyone.

Awkward family selfie!

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So do I have a point to all of this?  Meh.  Not really.  This post is a reflection of how I’m doing while in the thick of it and wishing time would both slow down and speed up.  Parenting is still fresh for our family and we’re all transitioning to our new normal.  And that new normal looks ever so sweet.

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